As I consider the very important role of mothering that lies ahead of me today, I’m in tears. In many ways, I feel so inadequate to complete this grand task of shepherding my children to the heart of God.
I know they’ll be fed and dressed. I’ll be able to fold laundry and unload the dishwasher, and even get a workout in during nap-time. We’ll read at least 50 library books, do a craft, and learn all about the letter “E.”
But what has me quaking in my socks is the fear of not adequately teaching them about the Lord. I want to speak of Christ in such a way that my children see His beauty and desire Him. I want them to understand their need for Him, to see His immeasurable worth. Do I speak in a manner that is gentle and kind? Do I die to my own selfish interests? Do I live in such a way that allows them to see Him as my treasure? Am I living out the gospel?
And as all of these thoughts overwhelm me and I cry out to God for wisdom and seek it in older women, I’m reminded that yes, I need to do my job. I need to tell my children of the wonders of the Lord, to read the Bible to them, to instill the wonderful discipline of hiding His Word in our hearts. To live in a manner that is worthy of my calling in Christ, before my kids.
But I hear a reminder, even stronger and more gently spoken: “Kelly, only I can change their hearts.” And I cry more. Because I want to have that control. I want to change them now. Not because I can’t take another day of selfish, disobedient, sinful behavior. But because the souls of these children matter more to me than anything else on this earth (don’t hear me wrong, my husband is my first love on this earth). And I don’t believe my children are yet saved. Nor do I assume they will be because of the family into which they were born.
So my day has begun with the gentle, tender reminder that I am called to be faithful and to trust the Lord, not to save.
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.”
Proverbs 3:5-8
This is the verse that we have held as our “family” verse through this deployment. With Jeremiah away so many things are not understood by the children and myself. What a comfort these words are to us.
Hold tight to the truth Kelly. We ask these questions because we hear our calling. Just be still and know that God is right in front of you leading the way. Take peace in that knowledge.