On My Heart

Just today around the blogosphere, I’ve read many posts by bloggers who don’t typically share on the “heart” side of things–but who have opened their hearts to share what is really going on behind the scenes.  It’s as if the Lord sent one last confirmation to “go” where I have been praying about with my own blog.  It’s been just what I’ve needed to finally put my own thoughts into writing.

For those who don’t blog or who “hobby” blog, blogging for income is a lot of work.  So much so, that it could easily be a full-time job.  I began blogging at the encouragement and blessing of my husband–I honestly had no desire to do it.  I had a personal blog that I would write on from time to time, but that was it. He desired for me to contribute to our income if possible–something I have done in *very* small ways in the past, and would like to continue if possible.   We see it modeled in Scripture, so we believe it’s worthy to aspiring to in some form or fashion.

So, I began writing, re-writing, designing, brainstorming, etc. in order to launch my blog in October.

The Rub

I have wrestled with it (the blog) almost daily since I began back in April.  Why?  In order to have a “successful” money-making blog, it requires a lot of time, diligence, and work.  But I already have a full-time job.  I am a wife and a mother to two young children.   I don’t want, nor do I intend, to give to any blog or business more than to my family.  They are my first priority and ministry.   But in order to stay on top of things, other things have to give.  So, the rub.  I know I do not need to explain  this to you, dear reader, because you are more than likely in the same boat as I am.

Not only that, but as much as I love learning about health and nutrition, natural living, decorating, etc. those aren’t what occupy my thoughts the majority of the time.  We do believe they’re important and should be things thought about and evaluated in the life of a believer, so I’ve sought to share our heart behind our thinking.  And admittedly, I love learning about it!

But there’s more I want to share.  I am an introvert.  I think,  all. The. Time.  That’s not meant to be a proud statement–to the contrary, in fact.  I probably think (or analyze) too much.  My point is–I want to share some of my thoughts with you. But where’s the line between foolishly wearing my heart on my sleeve and being transparent in a way that brings glory to God and might possibly serve you?  And quite honestly, there are certain people that I don’t want reading my more intimate thoughts.  So, another rub.

I want to use my gifts for the edification of the body of Christ.  I have been earnestly seeking the Lord regarding this over the past several months and have thought perhaps the blog would be one avenue through which to do it.  It appears that it could be.

The Future of the Blog

I have spent a lot of time laboring over aspects of this blog.  It’s hard work and writing doesn’t come naturally to me.  I want to serve others, but not at the expense of my family.  I also don’t believe I am to have a “ministry” to other women, save younger women who may come into my home or seek me out for the purpose of discipleship/mentoring.  I don’t necessarily look at this blog as a ministry–though I suppose serving in any form is that.  So, I’ve been seeking the Lord on the future of the blog and have been talking with my husband.

I’ll still write, still seek to bring in income.  But this will become much more of a “heart” blog, for lack of a better term.  I still want to write informational posts, because I absolutely love passing on things I have learned about and really appreciate when people do the same for me.  But there are so many things on my heart that I’ve been keeping bottled up because it hasn’t seem appropriate to share–until now.

But I’ll be honest, it’s hard to put my heart out there.  This year, it’s been broken and I don’t want to get hurt again.  Sharing myself with you–with anyone–is a risk.  I don’t know the hearts of many of my readers–I hope that you are reading and seeing me with new eyes, as Laura at 10 Million Miles wrote about earlier this week, but I really don’t have any way of knowing.

What I don’t want, is for false assumptions to be made and then certain judgments about me to ensue.  As women, I believe we do this.  A lot. This is part of my heartache.  So to open myself up and share part of my heart is scary.  I am all about being real and seek to do so in my personal relationships, but on the heels of being blindsided after genuine heart-giving, I’m a little apprehensive.

I also struggle with fear of man.  Maybe you’ve noticed?

And I don’t want to be proud–it seems that blogging is a perfect place for a haughty spirit to spring forth. In my personal blog, my tone was extremely proud, even though my heart was not to promote myself.  In light of that, I have earnestly sought to guard against that here by setting up several safeguards–including having my husband as my editor.

My desire is not to seek your accolades.  My desire is to glorify God.  To serve you.

What I would love is for honest, real discussion.  For someone to challenge me if they have a problem about what I write.  We are part of the body of Christ.  I cannot do without you!  If I am in error, sinning, or acting foolishly, I need your help.  Don’t let me continue on in it, please correct me.

My Ambition

My desire is not to be a popular blogger or even to be someone’s “favorite” blogger.  In fact, I can’t tell you how often I think about fading into obscurity.  I haven’t discarded the idea, but my husband says I shouldn’t just up and leave the blog.

For now, I’ve been sensing the Lord wants to take me, and maybe you (I don’t know) deeper.  I don’t think it’s popular, and I’m not sure how well it fares when desiring for people to advertise on the blog.

What I want is to see my Savior glorified.  Adored.  Magnified.  Far above me.  I don’t want it.  I want Him to have it.

So, will you go with me?  To the depths, to where it’s a bit uncomfortable?

I’ll be praying my way through, and seeking counsel.   I want to walk in wisdom…and humility.