I know of there are a few women who are engaged and even courting, so I wanted to share as an “older” woman (snort), something that has helped our marriage immeasurably.  Maybe it will help you who are married but have had a bumpy ride.  Regardless, my desire is to serve marriages.

I am so thankful for my marriage.  And I am so thankful for how our marriage began.  I credit it to God’s grace and mercy toward us, and for grace in the form of wisdom He dispensed to my husband regarding relationships.  I think he’s a very wise man.

We know many, many couples who had a very difficult first year of marriage.  I think there are a few reasons:

1.        Let’s face it: when we’re courting and engaged there is some degree of infatuation going on (some relationships have more than others).

2.       Because of this infatuation, it’s easy to gloss over real life issues that would behoove us to discuss.

3.       Because we don’t discuss important issues, when we get married we discover things (surprises), experience hurt from uncommunicated expectations, etc…

I don’t want to ruin anyone’s fun.  Engagement is blissful, for the most part.  Quite the contrary—I want your marriage to be more fun, exciting, wonderful that it would be should these issues be swept under the rug.

Discussing Expectations

When we were engaged and to be married, Blane told me that he wanted us each to write out every single expectation of each other, our marriage, etc…Every. Single. One.

So, I started on my list.  Honestly,  I had a hard time coming up with too many.  So when we got together to share our lists, I was astounded by how many he had (I can’t remember, but my list was a fraction the size of his).  I think he had me read mine first.  Then, he read his.

My jaw dropped at some of them.  “That you never smoke.”  That was one of Blane’s. What?  I would never smoke!  Why in the world would he put that?  And I communicated as such.  He put it because it was an expectation.  One that he would otherwise never state, because it’s one of those that is usually just assumed.

Aha!  It’s just assumed. How often does it happen that I have an expectation that I assume Blane knows.  I don’t know about your man, but mine doesn’t read my mind.  And he made it pretty clear to me a long time ago that I’m his helper and that part of helping him is communicating with him.  (I’ve also been blessed by one awesome communicating husband).

I actually revised my list to include many of the expectations that he wrote on his, because as he read them, I realized that they too were expectations of mine.  This was a great time for us to learn more about what was important to each other.  It was also a time of remembering and realizing the seriousness of a marriage covenant.

I was unaware at the time of how much this helped build a very strong foundation for our marriage, but we have looked back many times with thankfulness.  We seek to go over our list of expectations (which have changed with each season of life) to see how we’re doing.  That has been great for us, too.

Talk About Your Expectations!

I’m not suggesting you take the reigns in the relationship. I want to encourage you to gently suggest that you’ve read that it’s HIGHLY recommended to take some time thinking about ALL of your expectations about each other and marriage and ask what he thinks.  Then, let him do with it what he will.  If he never does anything with it, you can still write down your own expectations and hold onto them.  You could also communicate to him that it would help you better serve him if you know what his expectations of you and your marriage are.

I promise that if you deal with these things before marriage, life after marriage will run much, much more smoothly.  You do not have to fear unexpected surprises after marriage if you talk about things beforehand.  We (Blane and I) believe that nothing should be left untouched during engagement except the discussion of sex, which we’d recommend having about a week or two before your wedding (more on that later).

In other words, you should know if your fiancé has an issue with pornography.  Marriage is not the time to learn this.  In fact, we have counseled others that if there is a pornography issue, it should be dealt with before marriage.  This is deserving of another post, so I’ll leave it at that.  Just think about how much better and freer your future marriage could be if you knew you could trust your husband.

Sexpectations

Go ahead and chuckle.  That’s what our “talk” was called in which we discussed our expectations about sex.  Essentially, we formulated a plan for our wedding night and discussed any fears or expectations.  I would highly encourage this, but again, I’m not suggesting that you lead this conversation.  You can gently mention it, and chances are high that because he loves you and wants to make you happy, he’ll willingly oblige.

A book that really helped us is called “Intended for Pleasure” by Ed Wheat.  Blane read it first, close to our wedding and then marked certain chapters he thought would be beneficial for me to read.  I read it within a month of our marriage, so that we could discuss our “sexpectations” having both read the book.  I didn’t read the entire thing, I trusted his judgment and leadership by pointing out only specific chapters.

We Aren’t Perfect

Please don’t hear me say that we have a perfect marriage.  We certainly don’t!  We have our arguments and sin against one another.  What we do have is a peaceful, pleasant relationship.  And we’ve had that since day one, thanks to the mercy and grace of God.  Our first year of marriage was a blessing for both of us.

Your marriage can be wonderful and beautiful…if you put a lot of effort into it before you get there.

I’ve been terribly inconsistent with posting good posts/articles from around the web each week–forgive me!  I hope you’ll glean something from these this weekend.

The Amazing Grace of God – Watch until the end.  I promise you’ll at least be a little teary.

Baked Pumpkin Oatmeal – Being on the current pumpkin kick that I am, this will be tested in my kitchen soon, and I’ll revamp it to be a soaked recipe.

Al Mohler’s Thoughts on Yoga Part One and Two – I’ve begun doing p90x the way it’s recommended (instead of picking and choosing what I like ), but before doing any yoga (which I’ve never done before), Blane wanted me to read what Dr. Mohler had to say.  My conclusion: I’m not comfortable with anything that has the appearance or the association with evil (anything that is NOT of the Lord), so I’ll do pilates instead.

Five S.M.A.R.T. Choices to Protect Your Marriage on Facebook – I got off of FB months ago (my personal account) for several reasons, which is another post for another day.  But those of you on it, this is worth reading!

Welcome to Domestic by Design! I’m so glad you’ve stopped by.  If this is your first time, please start here!  I’ve been offering giveaways all week.  In order to enter, check out Tuesday and Wednesdays posts as well.

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Ladies, as I prepared for today’s post to go up, I wrestled with a few things.  In the spirit of being real, I thought I’d share with you.  And since I know some of you, I figure there’s not a better place to be real than with a friend!

First of all, this has been a busy and tiring week with the “official” launch, so I’m tired!  Even with pre-planning for this week, there have been last minute things to change, add, or fix.

Secondly, this blogging business requires delicate balance.  My family is my most important priority on this earth.  I am blogging first to be a blessing to my husband, in light of what is modeled to us in Proverbs 31 (I’m not insinuating that you are not emulating her if you aren’t doing what I’m doing).  And then to encourage and spur you on in the Lord.

But it’s a lot of work.  It requires much discernment in the use of my time because just like housework and raising children, there’s always something to be done on the blog.  I have been reminded this week that no matter how successful I may be in encouraging other women, it won’t matter in the end if I have failed in my roles at home.  Which is what I’m seeking to encourage you in as well!

As I’ve been working this week, on the forefront of my mind has been the desire to keep my family first.  But it’s a battle because I enjoy blogging.  And, I’m so easily distracted at times by housework that needs to be done that it’s harder for me to just get down and play with my kids at times. Do you ever with  struggle the beast of selfishness as a mom?  I want to kill it, with the help of the Holy Spirit.

I read a convicting, yet inspiring blog post last night here that I’d encourage you to read if you have the time.  Sometimes I just need to refocus!  I already light a candle regularly in our home (see blog post!), but will enjoy it with new meaning today.

So, I’m picking up a copy of one of my very favorite books, The Family (originally called Homemaking) by JR Miller and getting cozy for a sweet reminder of this most noble calling I have as a wife and a mother. I am so excited to get to know you and to serve you, but I don’t want to neglect what is more important.  This is one of those moments when I question whether this kind of “being real” is healthy for a blog like mine.  But I am sharing because it’s who I am and what I’m about.  And I want you to know that about me so you can pray for me (and know that you’re not the only one who struggles with being selfish).

And I feel the need to let you know that I approach this blog with fear and trembling. I am not more holy than you.  I don’t want to come across as thinking I am, either.  I hate messing up and don’t want you to see my failures. But what scares me the most is not obeying God in the roles He’s given me within my family.  So this blog is a tricky thing.  Balancing time and practicing humility when it’s all too easy to promote self and be selfish.  I want to learn from you, too.  I am fairly young. I don’t want to try to teach any older women (even just one year older) who might visit my blog, but to humbly share what I’m learning in hope that it will cause you to see Christ and to worship Him.

This has been a very plainly “spoken” post.  I sure hope it isn’t terribly jumbled and ill-written.     Because my husband isn’t editing this one.

If you are in need of inspiration, refreshment, or renewed vision for your role as a wife and mother, I highly recommend JR Miller’s book.  I could put quotes from it all over my home, because it’s beautifully written.  I want to offer one of you a copy today.

Update: This giveaway is now closed.  You can find the book in my store, though!

To win a copy, simply leave a comment below.  You will be blessed as you read this wonderful book.

This post is part of Making Your Home a Haven, Fall 2010 hosted by Courtney at Women Living Well.

I’m just trying to survive.  You know, without biting everyone’s heads off, eating any chocolate I can gets my hands on, and weeping over a cabinet that won’t cooperate with me.  You know what I’m talking about…right?  Admittedly, I’m not doing great.  Two days ago was the hardest.  And yesterday I just tried to be quiet.  The fluctuations are making me crazy.  Right now, it’s so hard not to live by how I feel.

It’s hard.

If what I’m experiencing really is PMS (I think my husband would firmly assure you that it is), it’s the first time in nearly two years.  And it’s kicking my behind.

In honor of this lovely time, and out of an earnest desire to love my husband and not see him as my enemy (because that’s just what happens sometimes during PMS), I am going to try to find a little humor in it.

Because we can find something humorous about this time, right?

I attempted to write a funny poem, but I’m just not funny.   And since it’s “that time of the month,” serious things kept coming out.  Sigh.   I decided to go with the flow (no pun intended) because in the midst of my sin and clouded thinking,  I have been reminded of God’s grace toward me.  And that he created me as a woman with a purposeful design–these hormones do serve a purpose other than revealing my sin to me and giving my husband an opportunity to also be sanctified.  (insert sheepish smile)

So without futher ado, a little poem that will hopefully encourage you, too when you feel like everything is worse than it really is.

Insert title here—any suggestions?

I have a black cloud right over my head

and it makes me want to stay in bed.

It hovers and follows me through my day

and tempts me to run away.

I ask for help and when I receive it,

I then proceed to throw a fit.

My husband is beyond gracious and kind,

not reminding me that I’m out of my mind.

I cry over dirty dishes in the sink,

and pens that run out of ink.

A smile is absent from my face,

instead a scowl often takes its place.

I look at myself in the mirror and exclaim,

these hormones are all to blame!

I remind myself that this is a season

and that I was made for a specific reason.

To see and confess my weakness and sin

and boast in Christ’s strength and rest therein.

Please pray that I would hide myself in Christ and walk humbly before my family!  The Holy Spirit can and will help me during this short season if I yield myself to Him.

Blood.  Sweat.  Tears.  Okay, maybe not blood, but sweat and tears have definitely gone into this blog.  I am working soooo hard to get things ready for the *official* launch date: Monday, October 4th.  Mark your calendars!  Sound the alarm!  In the meantime, a new design will be going up possibly as early as this weekend.  So please bear with me as we work any glitches out.

What do I mean by official blog launch?  There’s a lot that goes on behind the scenes on a blog.  This blog in particular is intended not only to pursue other women toward holiness, but also to be a means for me to bless my husband by being a financial asset to our family.  So I’ve been working on things for my new store (exciting!) that you’ll see go up by the 4th.    I’ll also be working between now and then to promote the site,  hopefully drumming readership.  I’ll be asking for your help as the time gets closer!

I’ve been laboring over blog posts, in prayer, how to best articulate my vision for this blog …I’m excited and nervous.  What if people are offended?  What if I can’t build my readership?  Oh, the fear of man strikes again!!!

There will be several giveaways which will include (but won’t be limited to) some ebooks I’ve been working on.  In the words of Tony Horton (P90x), “Get ready… ’cause it’s comin’!!!”

On to this weekend’s reading for you.    Grab a nice warm cup of whatever you like to drink a warm cup of and get comfy! Have fun reading and have a restful weekend!

Parenting

Mommy, Am I Beautiful - Tara and I have been watching (and re-watching) the video featured here and have been working to memorize the song.  What an important concept.  Moms, what are you teaching through your modeling about what beauty really is?

The Secret to Your Child’s Success – LOVE this.  I can’t tell you how many tears I’ve cried this week grieving over the current status of Tara’s heart.  I am crying out for wisdom to be gleaned by my daughter (and son and others, for that matter).

Frugality

Don’t Buy Stuff - If you haven’t visited Laura at Heavenly Homemakers yet, you are missing out!  She has so real and has such a great sense of humor!

27 Quick & Crunchy Home Remedies for Pimples – This falls under frugality, right?!  I’ve been having “issues” with my face breaking out a lot over the past few months (my hubby blames it on hormones), so this was timely for me.  I like her wit!

Biblical Womanhood

Oh Foolish Woman, Stop Throwing a Tantrum – Piercing.  Enough said.

Health

Mothering “Under The Influence” of Hormones – This is a must read!  The author shares from her own hormonal imbalance, reminding us that our hormones are *supposed* to be balanced.   AND that there are things we can do to correct them if out of whack.  If you struggle with ongoing depression, this is a must-read.

My husband, love him, planned a day for us at Dollywood, “the friendliest place in the south” yesterday.  I’m an East Tennessean now and I needed to have the experience.  Now, I can say I’ve been there and done it.  And…that is enough for me!After being reminded that I don’t care for upside down roller coasters, Blane was determined to get me on one (they have two).  Oy.  I discovered that I just don’t care for roller coasters at all anymore.  It’d been a long time since I’ve been in a theme park, and you know, I’m just not a thrill seeker.  My kind of thrills come from accomplishing a goal I set for myself (like a half-marathon).  Boring, I know.

The trick, I discovered, was to keep my eyes closed.  For the entire ride.  That way, I had no idea what crazy angle from which I may have been dangling.  Afterward, we looked at the lovely pictures taken during the ride and it was hilarious.  Blane had a look of sheer enjoyment on his face while I had my eyes scrunched closed as tightly as possible, my head bent down, and a death grip on the harness. I was just trying to keep from getting whiplash and my brains bashed around, thank you very much.  Not to mention preventing potential bruises.

My poor husband.  His boring, unadventurous wife was thrilled to ride the carasouel, “a mild thrill attraction,” as well as the bumper cars and flying elephants (aka Dumbo at Disneyworld).

All in all though, it was a fun day because we were together.  He is my favorite person to spend time with even if we are getting whiplash and a good brain sloshing.   It meant so much that he took the time to plan the day and wanted me to have a good experience at a place that brought back to him so many childhood memories (like running from security with a weighed down fanny pack from taking money from the fountains, sigh).

We missed our kids and were excited to see them in the evening!

This weekend has brought more fall-like weather…I opened the windows and daydreamed of apple pie, hiking in the Smokies (our next kid-less day date), camping, and football (I don’t necessarily enjoy watching it, but it means fall is here).  And I made a mental note of the soups I hope to prepare when the cooler weather is here to stay.

what a crew!

Tara and I are so excited to spend time today with some  friends we lived next to during out time in the army.  Blane is off today, too, so it’s just a happy day around here!  As usual, I have some excellent posts from around the blogosphere for you to read.  I hope you’re encouraged and that you have a wonderful weekend!

Parenting

The Power of a Focused Mother – This goes with chapter 4 of The Mission of Motherhood this week.  It is a great, short post about sacrifice for the glory of God.

My Story. Part 1 – You will cry reading this post.  I did, anyway.  Even if you don’t, you will be encouraged.  Have I been vague enough as to it’s content to get you to read it??

Loving our Husbands

Serving Our Husbands Through a Nourishing Diet- Part 1 and Part 2 – I could not have said it better, particularly because the author is a veteran wife of 33 years, seasoned with much more wisdom than this young wife of 6 years.  If you don’t consider yourself “passionate” about health & nutrition and really lack a desire to learn about it, I urge you to read these posts.  If you get a chance, go back and read through why I do what I do when it comes to health and nutrition.  Maybe it will serve as a primer for you to get started in thinking about these things a little more.

Well, I better run.  I think Brant decided he wants to take a bath.  Our bath tub is really low and this wouldn’t be the first time he’s fallen in head first (no water in it of course) because he’s reaching for toys.    “See” ya next week!

I’m starting a new monthly tradition of giving you a little peek into our lives.  It is fun and beneficial to look back to be reminded of the Lord’s grace toward us and to share exciting happenings of our life together.  It’s been a busy month for us!  Lots of out of town relatives visiting, but the most exciting of all was to see my brother-in-law and to meet his girlfriend.  It has left me desirous of pursuing relationship with her because of the strength of godly character that shone through her lovely countenance.  

We’ve survived yet another transition of Blane going back to work full-time outside the home.  It was a hard first week for us at home, but I’ve got a routine down now that makes it much easier for all of us.  We were spoiled in the Army with his hours and privileges.  Civilian life is not quite as cushy.  The days are much longer for us both and Blane often has work to finish after the kids go to bed.  My heart has been sad and burdened for him, because of the weight he bears.  I want to help him carry it, but apart from what I already do, I can’t really help.  It has only increased my respect and admiration for him!

We have learned (the hard way) that we need to be very limited with our evening activities.  Since Tara was born, we’ve been really good about knowing what is healthy for our family in terms of activity.   However,  since moving, our social life has stepped up a notch.  Not that we’ve made many friends – that is going very slowly, but we spend a lot of time with family.  Since they are not in the same season of life with small children, they have a lot more flexibility.   We are stepping back and are seeking to protect sleep times (for both the kids and us!) better than we have as well as our time together as a family.  We also see the need to be more intentional about time alone together.  Our evenings are very short since he doesn’t arrive home from work until much later than what we’ve been used to in the past.

We celebrated Brant’s first birthday on Monday.  He also had his first home hair cut by daddy.  It has been a challenging year of adjustment (and several transitions along the way with two moves and a new job!) mostly for myself and Tara, and we survived!  There were moments when I wondered if we would.    We are still waiting on Brant to walk, which he is capable of doing, but not interested in pursuing beyond a few steps.  I’m okay with it because he’s already demonstrated several times that he’s a climber and that he’s going to be loads of trouble when he is on the go.  I’ll really have my hands full then!

I’ve started writing down a lot of “Tara-isms.”  She has cracked me up so many times this month by the funny things she says.  We had a garage repairman here one day and as he walked through the kitchen, she asked loud and clear “Mommy, is that man wearing underwear?”  All I could do was laugh.  And wait until he left the house to explain that yes, he probably was.  She walks around with her “cell phone” calling all sorts of people and having the most interesting, hilarious conversations.  I love this age.  She is a little person with whom you can have great conversations and is very impressionable.  We’ll celebrate her third birthday in August.

Spiritually, it has been a sweet time of experiencing more of the Holy Spirit’s work in my life.  I could spend many posts writing about this!  I have been so thankful for evidences of the Lord’s grace toward me through different ways the Spirit has been at work in my heart.  His Word has come alive anew and has carried me through many temptations and hard days.  I have been seeing a lot of answered prayer and help from the Holy Spirit in a few areas of my life that have been a struggle recently.  Believing God’s Word, walking in the Spirit, and seeking more of the Holy Spirit can sum up my month!

On the blog front, it is still a work in progress.  You may not know this, but I’ve not yet “officially launched.”  I am working on a launch series and two ebooks that will hopefully be ready by September.  It may be pushed back to October, but I’m really hoping to get a lot done this month that will enable my goal date to become reality.  You will notice several changes around here, including the appearance at some point.  I’m excited to see things take off! So keep in mind that soon I’ll be asking you to help by telling your friends about it!

Chapter two of The Mission of Motherhood, entitled “Beautiful by Design,” discusses what God has laid out in Scripture as the design not only for motherhood, but for family.  In the previous chapter she touched on the confusion that exists today over the roles of men and women.  This chapter explores Scripture for a very clear explanation of God’s design for people.  I have to confess that it is hard not to summarize every single paragraph, it is all so good!  However, I’m trying to stick to the main points and share some of the best insights she has.The chapter begins with a very important verse:

“See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception, according to the tradition of men, according to the elementary principles of the world, rather than according to Christ.”  Colossians 2:8

It’s very important as we approach this book, that we prayerfully, earnestly ask the Lord to help us see, understand, and embrace what He has laid out in Scripture.  Unfortunately,  many Christian women have bought into cultural lies about what a woman should be and do.  We must have a Biblical understanding of how God has designed us to function, glorify, and enjoy Him.  Otherwise, we miss the whole point of life.  God has created and designed everything for His glory and our good. It is our role to then understand, submit, and live out these roles in order to bring Him the most glory.

This chapter explores three main aspects of God’s design for relationships:

1.  Family is the center of God’s design.  “Moreover, it is a center of life from which God’s work and redemption will begin.  Men and women were created in God’s image and were called together for a lifetime commitment.  They were meant to live as partners and to rule over God’s earth together.”  For the Biblical principles that undergird her statements, read Genesis 1-3.

2.  “Children were an integral part of God’s plan from the beginning.  A woman was to receive her ability to bear and nurture children as a gift, and biologically she would be the one through whom her children were made to receive nourishment and nurture from the beginning.”  Genesis 1:28, Psalm 127:3-5, Psalm 128:1-4.

3.  “Men and women were created with biological differences and corresponding roles within their overall calling.  Central to a woman’s design–though not the whole of it–is the privilege of bearing children, caring for them, and overseeing her home and household.”  Proverbs 31:10-31, Titus 2:4-5

“This is a beautiful picture–that God equipped a woman from the very beginning to bring life into the world from her own body and to nurture growing families…Not every woman, for instance, will marry.  Not every woman will be able to have children.  And yet all women have the God-given capacity to live in ways that beautifully and purposefully express their life-giving feminine design–the helper or cooperative approach to tasks, their ability to multitask, their nesting instincts and creative spirit.  A woman’s body was made, in part, to bring life into the world, an that’s a good thing from God’s point of view.  However, the common purpose for all women is to glorify God in whatever circumstances and boundaries of life we find ourselves, trusting him to show us how we can best use our  gifts for him.”

As beautiful as God’s original design is, it has been tainted by sin.  Genesis 3:1-6, Romans 1:18-21, Job 1:1-7, 1 Peter 5:8-9, Matthew 19:3-12 are all passages of Scripture which describe how sin entered the world, Satan’s attempts to destroy God and the goodness of what He has designed, and the hardness of heart that has caused selfishness and destruction of relationships.  Sally describes the consequences of straying from His design and the fact that “when the biblical mission of motherhood is devalued and disappears from culture, the whole next generation suffers morally, emotionally, and spiritually.”

There are very real, lasting consequences for not following God’s design.  Souls are at stake.  It is not outrageous to believe that if we willingly choose (or even ignorantly) to violate God’s design, commands, instruction, our heart will be hardened and He will give us over to our sinful desires.  Later, we may repent only to find that there are still lasting consequences (for example sexual immorality leading to STDs, infertility…)  We see this demonstrated in Romans 1:18-31.  We must know what Scripture says about all of life.  “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” Proverbs 1:7.

Ms. Clarkson is also quick to communicate that she did not write the book to tell us how to live our lives nor to make us feel guilty.

“The purpose of this book is to hold up  God’s ideal for motherhood, to remind us of  God’s design and how we can use our role to stitch together the pieces that will help make our families whole.  We need to know where God wants us tog o in order to create a plan to get there.  Each person must find where is in on the path of motherhood so that she many know how to travel forward from this point.  No matter where you are on this road of discovering and living out the mission of motherhood, you can take steps forward.”

This chapter is so helpful in affirming God’s design for us.  Each family will look different in that some will have fewer children while others have more.  The point is not the number of children that we have, but that we understand God’s design for marriage is to include children, that we welcome children, and that we embrace the roles God has designed for us, even though it might go against the grain of culture, and even our own families.

Is there any aspect of God’s design that you have had a difficult time embracing?  If so, I’d encourage you to confess it to the Lord and ask Him to help you embrace what He has described as good and beautiful in His Word.

We’re off to a couples shower for one of my husband’s cousins this weekend.  It will be a fun time of celebrating with them while enjoying each others company as we make the long  trek there (about two an a half hours).  Tara is excited about playing with her cousins and I’m looking forward to getting away for a bit.  What are up to this weekend?  I’ve got a few good reads for you, whatever you have planned.Godly Wife

Capture My Thoughts – This is a great post about taking our thoughts captive when our husbands irritate or annoy us.

Family & Parenting

5 Simple Ways to Create Amazingly Memorable Traditions – I love these practical, easy ideas!  Read the next link for the details on the author’s “Pajama Run.”

How to Make Your Kids Forget You’re Mean – cute idea with lasting impacts!

How to Raise a Spoiled Child – A satirical little piece that deserves reading.

Natural Living

The Story of Cosmetics - VIDEO! This is a great follow-up from my posts about household cleaners, and a great teaser for upcoming posts about body care products.